So I psyched myself up to deep clean my bathroom from top to bottom today. But I can’t get the cap off of the hand-held steamer which I was going to use on the shower and the floor and now I’m really annoyed because the alternative to using the steamer is to get on my hands and knees and scrub the grout in the floor with an old toothbrush. And honestly, I just can’t get psyched over that prospect.
So, this is the design that I used when I got my tattoo last week. There is a little difference in the way he shaded the moon and my stars are yellow. Oh, and I didn’t get the little sparkle things. I took a couple of pictures this morning but I’m off to buy Breaking Dawn now so I’ll upload them later today. Toodles.
I got my second tattoo tonight! It’s purty. It’s a pink ribbon to honor my mom’s survival of breast cancer and in memory of my grandmother (her mother) who also battled it. It’s all bloody and gross right now but I’ll post a picture or two of it later in the week when it heals up some. I’m heading out of town tomorrow for work so I’ll be gone a few more days. Toodles
Whinging is a word. The writers were not being “idiots” and “making up” nonsensical words in an “effort to be funny.” Jesus people. Read or something.
So I gave in so easily to my depression this time. I haven’t done that in years. In the past several years I’ve fought tooth and nail every time I felt it coming over me. And most times I won. But this time I just gave in to it without so much as a harsh word. That won’t be happening again. I think part of the reason that it was so easy to just give in is because my mom is depressed. And seeing her having given up made it that much easier for me too as well. No more. I’m done with this. My life is my life and nothing changes if I don’t change it and nothing stays the same unless I allow it. So. I’m done.
I’ve been watching Penelope this past week. (Love love love this movie by the way. Not to mention James McAvoy. Yum.) And while I know, intellectually, that there is no such thing as “happily ever after”, I so wish there was. Particualry if it involved James whispering sweet nothings in my ear with his delicious scottish accent. But I digress… It’s a good movie if you haven’t seen it and it has a sneak peak of Twilight in the special features section.
I’m leaving today to go out of town for the week and I won’t be back until Thursday. I need to be packing right now instead of this so I’m going to say toodles now. Toodles.
So this morning I got up and went yard sale-ing with my mom. I haven’t done that in ages. Since before she got sick I think. Anyway, we went yard sale-ing for a while and then we wanted to go to the farmer’s market that they have up in town. However, when we got there, there were like 4 sellers there. Kinda disappointing. But I did get a pound of blackberries. Damn those things are tart but yummy. And my fingers and mouth got all stained purple when I was eating them a little while ago. Reminded me of when I was a kid and we used to pick ‘em and eat ‘em right off the bush.
Anyway, then we went to a little produce stand down the way from there and I got some gorgeous peaches and mama got a few tomatoes for lunch. The kind that are so big around that when you slice them the cover the whole piece of bread. Yum. So it’ll be BLT’s for lunch today. Then we went to two different goodwill stores and headed home.
Mostly I bought a bunch of Roald Dahl books to add to my ever growing collection of children’s books. Now I’m home doing laundry in preperation for going out of town this week for work and watching Penelope. Great movie if you haven’t seen it. And the DVD has a sneak peak of Twilight on it. I am so looking forward to seeing that movie.
Anyway, I’m tired. I had a migraine thursday and friday and today I’ve got that whole migraine-hangover feeling going on. So, I’m going to fold some laundry and eat a BLT and some blackberries. Toodles.
So I saw this license plate the other day that said HESINME. Now I’m sure that is in reference to God or Jesus or whatever, but can I just say that is so not where my mind went when I first saw it.
So, I’m in the mood to blog. Don’t know why I went from not wanting to even check in here to suddenly wanting to write about everything I’ve done in the past three months but I have so let’s just go with it shall we.
Actually, what I really want to write about is what I said I didn’t want to write about the other day. Weird I know but what’s new?
I turned 32 two weeks ago. Not that 32 is a horrible age or anything. The actual fact that I turned 32 doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Age ain’t nothin’ but a number after all. However, the fact that I turned 32 while still living in the room I lived in when I was born is a bit of an issue. Granted, I haven’t lived here all of my 32 years, but I’ve lived here more years than I haven’t.
It’s not so much that I live with my folks that even bothers me. I mean, I moved in here because I was totally broke and had no where else to go and it means to world to me that I know my parents will always be there to help me pick up the pieces and there will always be a place to go when I feel lost. However, when I was younger, I certainly did not picture myself single, childless, and living at home with my folks at this age.
Yeah, I’m still single. And on most days it doesn’t really bother me. I mean, well, I’m not sure I can even explain how it feels. I like my life don’t get me wrong. I can go and do as I please without having to worry about anyone but myself. I can buy what I want, watch what I want on tv, eat what I want, drink what I want, do laundry when I feel like, etc. And while I see those things as being nothing but positives, sometimes it is unbearably lonely.
I have great friends and family with whom I can share pretty much anything and everything. But I want to love someone and have him love me. Not just any someone either, been there done that have the divorce papers. But someone who really loves me and who wants to be with me and who will be my friend, my partner and my lover. And I miss it. Granted, I do love sleeping down the middle of the bed sprawled out to all corners. But still, it’s a little lonely.
And did you know that 32 is now the new official “high risk” pregnancy age? Me neither. At least not until last year when my friend M got preggers at 32. Her doctor had to do all of these extra tests because the risk of Down’s apparently sky-rockets once your eggs have been hanging around for 32 years not doing much more than playing the lotto once a month to decide which one gets to abandon ship. I wonder if they like, draw straws or something? But I digress…
So, I’m 32, single and childless. And, well, that’s kind of depressing. Okay, it’s a lot depressing and in the weeks leading up to my birthday it felt like the weight on my shoulders just got heavier and heavier. Then the actual day came and it was wonderful thanks to my BFF but the those obnoxious thoughts were just flitting around in my head dispite all the fun I had that day. And they’ve continued to linger these past two weeks but they are getting a little more quiet every day. Sometimes they scream at me when I see a particular look cross my mom’s face when she sees a baby on tv or something because I know she so wants to be a grandmother. And she’d be a great one too. Not that I want to get knocked up just to make my mom a grandma, but it’s still there you know.
Anyway, it’s getting better and I know since I’ve gotten it out of my head and onto this screen that it’ll feel even better. But now that I’ve blogged it I know I need to tell my BFF how I’ve been feeling. She’s known that something is wrong but hasn’t pressed me to talk, 1 - because she is just awesome like that, and 2 - because she knows that eventually I’ll bring it to her and pour it out. I think I’ll email her a copy of this blog so she can read it. Talking about it will just make us both cry and since her birthday is this coming wednesday I don’t want to rain on her parade. Literally or figuratively.
So, I think I’m going to go watch a movie now. I’ll write about some of the nifty stuff I’ve done lately tomorrow. Toodles.
I borrowed this from Stephanie who borrowed it from Yvonne months and months and months ago. I don’t do a lot of surveys unless I’m on myspace but this one was kind of interesting.
1. Spell your name as it sounds: Sin-the-a or Sin-d, take your pick
2. Are you available? Available for what exactly?
3. What’s your favorite number? Um, 4?
4. Favorite color? Pink.
5. Least favorite color? I don’t know. Puce maybe?
6. When is the last time you cried? A few days ago, in the shower as usual so no one can hear me.
7. What should you be doing right now? Nothing in particular, it’s sunday, I’m off, I will eventually do laundry and go to Target and buy toilet paper and shampoo but for now I’m happily doing nothing at all.
THE CANS:
1. Can you blow a bubble? Yup.
2. Can you touch your toes? Probably. Yes, I just checked. I can touch my toes.
3. Can you whistle? Yes.
4. Can you wiggle your ears? Can a lot of people do this? I’m just wondering because I’ve never actually known anyone who can.
5. Can you roll your tongue? Yes but I can’t do that creepy thing Dan Radcliffe does where he makes his into three little hills. Ick.
6. Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue? I have an irrational fear of choking to death on a cherry stem so I’ve never actually tried.
THE DIDS:
1. Did you ever want to be a doctor? Ick. No. One, I don’t like blood. Two, I don’t really like sick people. So I probably wouldn’t make a great doctor.
2. Did you ever receive an engagement ring? Yes and later, after the divorce, I sold it and made a car payment with the money.
3. Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? No. Fire is hot. And I don’t like to sweat. And also, fire can BURN YOU TO DEATH. And that would suck.
THE DO’S:
1. Do you believe in God? I’m not 100% sure what I believe.
2. Do you know how to swim? No, despite my two months of swimming lessons when I was six. But I can do a mean dog paddle.
3. Do you like roller coasters? Sometimes. It depends on how brave or mentally ill I’m feeling at the time.
4. Do you own a bike? Does the purple one that is hanging in my attic from my childhood count? ’cause technically I still own it.
THE DOES:
1. Does your car get good gas mileage? Decent enough.
2. Does your family have family picnics? Cookouts or get-togethers over food, not so much an actual “picnic”.
3. Does your home have a bookcase? Several, though most of them house cookie jars. We tend to pile our books on stuff other than bookcases.
THE HAVES:
1. Have you ever been to Canada? Not so much.
2. Have you ever gone fishing? Lord yes.
3. Have you ever seen a celebrity? Like in person on the street by accident? No.
4. Have you ever been on a motorcycle? No and nor do I plan to. I like doors and roofs on my vehicles.
THE HOWS:
1. How much money do you have on you right now? I have the twenty dollar bill I got from my aunt for my birthday yesterday over there across the room in my wallet.
2. How many cars have you owned? Um, first was the late 80’s blue mustang that my folks bought me to be my first car. Got in an accident and totalled it. (So not my fault by the way) Next was the yellow mid 80’s chevette my dad bought me to replace the mustang. It was a piece of crap and it broke down on me all the time and I hated it. So then I bought myself a blue 94 cavalier new, the first new car I ever owned and the first car I had ever had to pay for. Which was not nearly as fun as I thought it was going to be actually. Then, shortly after I paid it off I totalled it. So I bought a new blue 01 chevy tracker. And I drove it and drove it and drove it and drove it. I paid it off last december and when I traded it in for my new car last month it had almost two hundred thousand miles on it. So, June 17 I traded the tracker in and bought a used silver 07 jeep liberty and despite the fact that I once again have a car payment, I love it.
3. How many jobs have you had? Let’s see, cashier/baker/dishwasher/etc at Cookies & Yogurt in high school, cashier at Sam’s Club in college, planogram supervisor and signing specialist at Target, admissions representative at a hospital, part time cashier at a gas station, part time at Mrs Fields, customer service rep at Miss Utility, helpdesk associate at Heilig-Meyers, customer service rep for an individual investment representative, storage manager for a storage facility, drive thru teller at a bank (hated hated hated it), cashier at a truck stop, food service team lead at Target, overnight freight associate at my current company for three months, then promoted to administrative assistant for a year and then was promoted to my current position as auditor. Wow. I’ve worked a lot of jobs.
THE LASTS:
1. Last person you hung out with? Some of my extended North Carolina country family yesterday.
2. Last thing you said out loud? It’s only 3 in the afternoon, I don’t know what I want for supper yet.
3. Last time you ate at McDonald’s? I don’t remember.
4. Last grade completed? My sophomore year of college.
5. Last thing you bought? Um, chinese food?
THE WHATS:
1. What is the temperature outside? I have no idea. According to my homepage it is 92 degrees.
2. What time did you wake up? Around 9 I think.
Number Two Survey:
1. What’s the last mistake you made? Um, I don’t much like this movie I’m watching so it seems like it was probably a mistake to watch this.
2. Is the sun shining? I had to look out the window to answer this question. That is sad. And yes, the sun is shining.
3. Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon? I sure can.
4. Do you like text messaging? I wouldn’t say that I actually like it, but I don’t dislike it.
5. What do you eat the most at your best friends house? Um, cheese actually. She and I both really like cheese.
6. Boyfriend/Girlfriend? What exactly is the question here?
7. Are you wearing any make-up right now? No. Which is exactly the same amount I ususally wear.
8. What are your plans for later? I need to go to Target and buy toilet paper and shampoo which I think I may have mentioned earlier and I need to wash some clothes.
9. What is your favorite DDG song? I have no idea what that means.
10. Is there any drama within your life? Not if I can help it.
11. What is a song they need to stop playing on the radio? The station that I listen to the most when I’m not listening to my iPod plays a lot of Daughtry. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I really like Daughtry and all, but seriously, is it really neccessary to play them like every three songs?
12. Are you happy with life right now? Meh.
13. Does anyone like you? One or two folks I guess.
14. What is your current obsession? The same old obsessions really.
15. Do you have a dog? I have two.
16. Ever been kissed under mistletoe? Yes, by Harry Potter in the Room of Requirement. Wait, that was Cho Chang wasn’t it? Damn.
17. Would you ever smile at a stranger? I work retail, I smile at strangers all day long. Whether I like it or not.
18. Ever pulled your pants down in the street? Can’t say that I have.
19. Do your toenails have nail polish on them? They do. Purple polish.
20. When’s the last time you wore eyeliner? I can’t honestly remember.
21. Last curse word you said was? I don’t actually know but I’m sure it was fuck as that tends to be the one I use the most.
22. Are your lips chapped? No they aren’t but thanks for asking.
23. Are you currently jealous? Nope.
24. Do you own an ipod? I do. Her name is Tallulah.
25. Did you have a dream last night? Probably but I don’t remember it right this minute.
26. Are you mad at anyone? Nope.
27. Who is the loudest person you know? You mean besides me?
28. What’s going on this weekend? This weekend is almost over but yesterday I went down to NC to visit family and today I have done nothing other than veg in front of my computer and watch a couple of movies.
29. Done any spring cleaning lately? Um, no.
30. Anything bothering you? Other than the normal typical everyday things, no.
31. Do you do cheerleading? I did years and years and years ago when I was a kid.
32. Did you wish for anything last night on 11:11? Nope, I was asleep at 11:11.
33. Do you drink coffee on a regular basis? Ew. No.
34. Do you wish you were someone else? Not really. I like Stephanie’s answer, I kind of wish I was a new and improved version of me.
35. What jewelry are you wearing? None.
36. Funniest thing that happened last night? I made an accidental joke about a Viagra commercial that had me and my folks laughing so hard we were falling down.
38. Are you easily amused? I am.
39. Can you lick your elbow? I don’t know and don’t intend to attempt to find out.
40. Do you know this song… Oops, I accidentally deleted most of the lyric that I was supposed to be identifying but I can say that no, I did not know the song.
41. What piercings do you have? 4 in one ear, 2 in the other.
42. Do you have a crush right now? Other than James Phelps, Rupert Grint and James McAvoy, no.
43. What are your plans over the summer? Work, work and more work.
44. How’s life going for you? Not bad, thanks for asking.
45. What is on your mind just this second? MMMmmm, James McAvoy…
46. Favorite vacation spot? The last time I took a real vacation I had not yet hit puberty.
47. Do you have on chap stick? No, but I am wearing CO Bigelow raspberry lipgloss. Yummy.
48. What hurts right now? Nothing.
49. Do you like school? I wanted nothing more than to finish it and get out.
50. Is this survey good? Not bad, as surveys go.
51. Sneak out lately? Not so much.
52. Last thing you had to drink? A glass of water.
53. Do you want a tattoo? I have one and want several more.
54. Want any more piercings? Not really though I would consider a small nose stud.
55. Single or taken? Single.
56. How long have you been single/taken? A long ass time.
Yesterday I went down to North Carolina with my parents to attend my cousin Lynne’s birthday party. She’s going to be 44 this coming Wednesday. Normally a woman’s 44th birthday probably wouldn’t be as big a deal as Lynne’s was made out to be. And probably, the average 44 year old woman wouldn’t have received multiple coloring books and crayons and candy as gifts. But Lynne is a pretty special person. She has Down’s Syndrome.
When she was born, almost 44 years ago, my aunt was told by her doctor that she should just give her up and put her in a home and let her go. He said she probably wouldn’t live to be a year old anyway. My aunt didn’t listen to anyone and brought her home. A year later the doctor was still trying to talk her into putting Lynne in a home. She was going to have severe health issues, my aunt was not going to be able to take care of her. Over and over again, through the years they’d change tactics but the message was always the same. She’d never live a normal life, she’d be picked on, made fun of, people would hurt her. And against all odds, here she is, happy and healthy at 44.
Growing up, Lynne was a normal part of my life. My brother and I knew that she was different and we knew what Down’s was, but she was still just Lynne and we loved her. When we were little, even though she’s twelve years older than me, fifteen older than the boy, she was on our level so we would play together and run and laugh and just be kids. As we got older it was like we left her behind. Her body got older but her mind stayed so young. But we loved her just the same.
I think Lynne’s life would be probably be different if she hadn’t grown up in a small town in rural North Carolina. Down there she’s friends with everyone. People are just more accepting. And where they live, we’re related to most everyone anyway and everyone knows and loves her. It was normal for us to go places and have everyone smile and wave and hug Lynne. No one looked at her as if she was different. It was more difficult for me when she would come up to Virginia to visit us and we’d go places and I would see people staring at here, pointing and whispering, making comments they thought I couldn’t hear. But Lynne, always positive that everyone loved her, never noticed a thing.
Her entire life has been a miracle. She has lost many friends with Down’s to heart problems and other illnesses. She has lost our grandmother who practically raised her. She is a beautiful, strong, special person and everyone whose life has been touched by hers in one way or another is a better person for it. I know that one day she’ll be gone and there will be a hole in all our lives where she used to be, but for now, I am just so thankful for that Lynne shaped space in my heart.
(The picture above is Lynne and myself around 1982. We would have been around 18 and 6.)
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